lost in reverie

I’ve been thinking a lot about life, lately.  About why and in what ways I take it too seriously.  About why and in what ways I settle.  About how and in what ways I can find more joy.  About how and in what ways I can become more passionate, more happy, more patient, more human(e).

I've been wondering around and have been going through some changes, lately.  They've taken hold of my life.  And they center around balancing this thing we call life.

A few months ago I found myself in this weird mix of work, family, friends, school, travel, amongst some other major life decisions.  I was consumed in a continuous merry-go-round of thoughts and emotions and I didn't actually know where I'd end up.

I was working full time for a small company and while I learned a fair amount and established some good relationships, I disliked my job and yearned for something a bit more real.  So I changed the plan.  I quit my job.

I’m twenty-two years old and still figuring out so much about this world.  I don’t know what my dream job is and I don’t remember what my favorite childhood toy was.  I don’t know where my next decision will lead me and I certainly do not have all the answers.  But I'm not afraid of the future.  Because failure?  It happens all the time.  I set expectations for myself but the noises of other's opinions and my own fears and insecurities drown out my inner voice, and I constantly fall short.

Failure is hard work, but it's part of life and I'm learning it's a sign of experience.  Every failure along the journey to becoming your perceived ideal is what ultimately defines you and makes your totally unique.  With failure comes the courage to accept yourself and expand to the absolute limit.

Yes, I am a hot mess.  Please don’t judge.

But in this world of non-absolutes and varying circumstances, more importantly and above all else, I want to be a good person.  A loving daughter and loyal sister.  The kind of person you can turn to when you need a friend.  The kind of person who takes risks and challenges herself, despite the fear of failure.

You must have some vision for your life, even if you don't have a plan.  Most things that create the best endings are sometimes the things are least certain about.  Of course while you're doing them you have absolutely no way of telling which way is up or hanging upside down.  But all you need is a place to start.  No plan, just a simple desire.

And I do know one thing:  To keep myself on the path towards the pursuit of Love.